Panic! On my kitchen floor

Well friends, my streak of no panic attacks is officially over. I’ve had 2 in 24-hours and it. has. sucked.

Let me explain. No, there is too much. Here’s what’s happening in my life right now: still wedding planning (August!), we’re moving (in two weeks!), I’m having some feelings about my family (always), and the dude is out of town (just until tomorrow). In case it doesn’t seem like it, that’s a lot.

I’m going to start by saying that while these panic attacks were bad – we’re talking uncontrollable crying and hyperventilating on my kitchen floor bad – I’m delighted that I’d forgotten – FORGOTTEN – how they feel. I am so freaking proud of how long it’s been. And I’m proud that I got this far into the process of having so much happen at once. And I’m so thankful for the dude and my sister and my work hubby and my boss, all of whom have been incredibly supportive. The dude has been taking the lead on the move so I don’t have the mental load of research and organizing, and I am so grateful. He also called me this morning immediately after I texted that I was struggling and has been so warm and wonderful. My sister talked me down this morning when I texted her that I needed help, and it would have been so much harder without her. My boss did me a solid and arranged it so that coworkers could cover my classes for me, and my work hubby gave up his afternoon to sit with my AP kids while they took an exam. I feel so loved and taken care of.

I also know that this would be too much for anyone, and that it’s not really that surprising that this has happened. I’m excited about both the move and the wedding, but they’re both big events with a lot of unknowns and a lot of things to account for. Not to mention all of the emotions that spring up and the feeling of being unrooted that always comes with a move. I know we’re going to love our new place. I know the wedding is going to be a blast. It’s just that right now is really hard.

I’ve been noticing the last few weeks that I’m not ruminating. That used to be my number one symptom of anxiety, and while I’m glad it’s not happening anymore, it also means that I’m struggling to recognize when things are too much. Because I’m not anxious in a way I recognize, I think that I’m not, and so I’m not being as diligent and careful as usual. I’m not stopping and checking in with myself. I’m not thinking about what usually happens when I feel this way and doing what I know I can to ease it because, well, I’m not feeling this way. I honestly had no idea how much I was holding in until I found myself sobbing this morning: as I got ready, as I made coffee, as I walked the dog… I couldn’t stop, and that was scary. I think I’ve only cried that hard a couple of other times in my life and I would not recommend it.

I think the not ruminating is part of it, but I also think that I’m just worn out. I think my body and mind are trying to tell me that I need to slow down, and, honestly, I get that. My mom came to visit during the last break I had from school and she and my sister and I did a bunch of stuff for the wedding (like dress shopping!). It was good to have time together, and they were both really great about me leaving to go do yoga or meeting them later in the morning. When I sit and I think about it, though, I haven’t had a break from school – a real, true one where I’m not traveling and have no obligations – since school started. And that’s ok. I wanted and needed to see the dude’s family after his dad passed and for the holidays that followed. There’s no way I would have stayed home. And I wouldn’t have missed dress shopping with my mom and sister for the world. I guess what I’m saying is that I’m ok with my choices, and now it’s really time for a break. Our next one is in four weeks; we’ll have moved by then, and I plan on doing nothing for as much of that time as possible.

I have no idea what will happen tomorrow, and I’m trying to be ok with that. I’m trying to remind myself that I’m usually ok once I get to work and that I can get through it. I’m also trying to remind myself that my students will be fine and that I need to take care of myself. That I have an incredible community around me and I am very, very lucky. I’m also trying to remind myself that it’s ok to feel this way and that I should listen to myself when I do.

I know that I don’t post on here as often as I used to, and if you’re someone that wished I wrote more, I get that. But chances are you’re also someone who gets what I’m up against, and for that I’m thankful.

One thought on “Panic! On my kitchen floor

  1. Pingback: To ruminate or not to ruminate; that is the question | it's only fear

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