I think the thing I love/hate about anxiety the most is how quickly it changes.
For instance, yesterday, I was all super pumped about how well my anxiety checklist worked and how proud I am of myself for managing it.
Today, I started my morning with an oversize dose of pepto bismal and am eating peanuts and raisins in tiny increments while trying to teach my students what “affluent” means without crying.
I’m trying not to give in to the frustration. Just because today is a not so great day doesn’t take away all of the progress I’ve made. I’m so proud of all of the work I’ve been doing. I’ve put so much effort and time into figuring out why this happens in my brain and how to manage it. I’ve grown a lot as a person as a result, and deepened my relationships.
But to be brutally honest, I’m having one of those what. the. fuck. days. One of those days where I just wish all of this was over and that I didn’t have to deal with it and where I just want to throw up my hands and give up. I just want to be mad at the world and myself and for my heart to stop beating so fast because it makes me feel like SOMETHING COULD HAPPEN ANY MINUTE when actually I’m just sitting at my desk listening to Iron & Wine and talking to the bird (BIG shout out to the bird for the anxiety support).
I would like to be mad. But it’s pointless. Anxiety is chronic. It’s not going to go away. It will get better, but it will never go away, and today the knowledge that I’ll have days like this for the rest of my life make me want to move to an island in the Maldives and disconnect from all of the things. I know that that’s the bad day talking and not me, and I know that later today or tomorrow or this weekend I’ll feel better. But right now, that’s not really helping. And I kind of think that that’s ok. As shitty as it is to feel this way, it gives me a chance to practice reframing. To practice breathing. To practice asking for help and support. Those are all things that I want to be better at.
And in the grand scheme of things, if this is what bad days are like now, I’ll take it. Because as uncomfortable as it is, this shit is way better that being curled up on the bathroom floor sobbing and wondering when it will end.