I had my last session of therapy on Thursday, and it was… awesome. We spent a lot of the time talking about what the process was like, what I’ve learned, and what worked and didn’t work. We ended the session with a hug, and then I left.
I thought that I’d be scared to end, but it felt like the right call. I feel so much happier and more settled than I did when I first started seeing her. It’s like the rest of my life is opening up before me and I can see that it’s going to be good. And even when it’s not, I know from this process that I can handle it. That I’m resilient and thoughtful.
I’ve learned some other things, too, like how certain experiences and feelings are connected in my brain, that it’s ok to be things that I once looked at as negative, that I deserve to feel happy and proud of myself for the work I’ve done. I was telling her that I feel like for the first time I can really clearly see the emotional map of my life: I can see where I started, I can see the places where I had choices and why I made the choices I did, I can see where I am now, and I can see where I’m going. I feel like I’m not just sitting back and hoping for the best anymore; I’m actively working on my life and trying to make it the most fulfilling it can be.
And I’ve learned through therapy that that looks different for me than it does for some people, and that’s ok. I’ve learned that it’s really important to me to have sometime where I can just do what I want each day. It’s important to me to work on and maintain the world the dude and I have built. It’s important to me to see my family regularly and often. And it’s important to me to be creatively and intellectually stimulated. And that it’s really hard for me to be in loud, crowded, and bright places for more than a couple of hours. I knew pretty much all of these things in one way or another, but now I feel like I can really articulate what that looks like and the specific actions that work for me. It’s so awesome to be able to do that.
Even if I didn’t have my issues with anxiety, I would still probably have gone at some point. It’s so helpful, whether you’re dealing with some major emotional trauma or just want to get to know yourself better. It is arguably the best thing I’ve ever done, and I’m so glad I did.