We got to Raleigh late last night, and went straight to bed. I don’t think I woke up once during the night.
But this morning, well, anxiety had other ideas. It woke me up with a jolt and an immediate feeling like I was about to unravel. The thing about anxiety is that it makes you believe that this shitty way you’re feeling right now is the way you’re going to feel for the rest of your life. That. Sucks. And even if you know better, you still believe it. And that’s what feeds the panic and makes it worse. You have to try to make yourself believe the opposite of what your instincts are telling you, and it’s really, really hard.
I breathed for a few minutes, and when I realized that the dude was also awake, I told him I needed him for a minute. He put his hand on my chest – I find the weight comforting – and I cried for a little bit. Then some bathroom things happened, he took the dog out, and we came back to bed to snuggle.
It is amazing to me how comforting he is. I was able to relax enough to fall back asleep, and I feel much better. No thoughts, no tight chest, no everybody get out of my way I need to use the bathroom. It’s nice.
Hopefully this is the worst that it gets. It’s still unpleasant, but it is so much better than even a year ago.