Trip day: departure

GUYS. GUYS. GUYS. I FEEL NORMAL.

Seriously. Not even any tightness in the chest or feeling on alert, which are typically the symptoms that stick around longest.

Ok, so, here’s my morning so far:

  • 6:55 am: wake up with some pretty intense tightness in the chest and a very strong feeling of being on alert. I also need to go to the bathroom, so I stumble out of the bedroom and make that happen.
  • 7:00 am: back to bed. I read for a little bit and then cuddled the dude.
  • 7:30 am: the dude’s alarm goes off (boooooooo alarms in the summer), and I take inventory. Some tightness in the chest, a little bit of feeling on alert, both much less than before. No other symptoms.
  • 7:45 am: make coffee, check HuffPo, etc. Text my mom, sister, and Bird, letting them all know that I’m not really feeling that anxious.
  • 8:00 am: cry a little bit because I don’t feel anxious at all. Not one damn bit.

 

This is incredible. And weird. I was so expecting to have a panic attack this morning, and when I woke up feeling anxious I was like Ok, so that’s probably going to happen. I can totally handle this. Bring it. When I realized that I wasn’t feeling anxious, I raised my hand (my signal to the dude that I want to talk to him when he’s got headphones on), and was like “I would just like to report that I don’t feel anxious at all. I’m so happy. I’m crying a little bit because I’m so happy.”

I feel so liberated. And normal. I never thought that a) I would ever feel normal while traveling again and b) it would feel like such a relief to feel normal.

It has taken me so long and so much work to get to this point. And I know that staying here is up to me: I am the one who has to continue exercising and being mindful of my lifestyle. I’m the one who has to keep acknowledging anxiety and making room for it in my life. I can totally do that. It’s just so nice to know that it works.

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