Can we just talk about how awesome vacation is?
I feel like this is a thing that people know – and that I guess I kind of know, too – but it has been a really long time since I’ve had a vacation that wasn’t overshadowed by anxiety. Even with my family, there’s always some anxiousness about being away from my space and not able to be as autonomous as I prefer.
As I wrote before, the anxiety I felt on this trip feels so negligible compared to what traveling has been like for the last few years of my life. It was so awesome to wake up every morning and not have to go to the bathroom or cry. And I ate! I ate so much. And I feel like I really got to be with the dude’s family in a way that I wasn’t the last time I was in Florida. We saw them last summer and it was definitely better, but this trip was the first time I’ve felt completely like myself around them, and it was great. His mom and I had some awesome chats, his dad and I would sit together and read, and spending time with his brother and Bird was awesome. We did yoga, we took silly pictures on snapchat, we generally just goofed around. It was so incredible to not only feel comfortable, but to know that I had a friend there. Bird is just the best and I feel so lucky that we can support each other.
I just kept looking around thinking is this what life is like for normal people? Part of me wanted to engage with that and be like you ARE normal, don’t talk about yourself like that. But you know what? I’m not normal. My brain is wired differently. And I’m totally cool with that.
One of the best parts was walking into our bathroom, looking at the spot where I was curled up during my first panic attack, and thinking not this time. I felt so kickass, and I think for the first time I really understood just how hard I work/ed to understand the anxiety I feel and to manage it.
The other best part was our drive home yesterday. The dude and I were talking about anxiety, and man, does he fucking get it. I have always loved his thoughtfulness and integrity, but shit, guys, yesterday was on a whole other level. That guy… I have no words. I am so thankful for his support. And I am so lucky to have it, because I know that not everyone has somebody who is there for them.
I’m also super glad to be home. Two days in the car back to back are a little rough on the body, and yoga today was both necessary and more difficult than usual. And it’s good to be back in my space, but to not feel noticeably different than I did when I was out of it. That’s probably the part that’s most astounding to me: normally when I come home I feel such relief, and like I can finally relax. But this time? I was already relaxed. Crazy.
Some awesome things are coming up, so keep checking back!